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The Ultimate Swagdown of Ultimate Swaggery/Script
STICK 10 FINALE: THE ULTIMATE SWAGDOWN OF ULTIMATE SWAGGERY The special starts out with Gaben working in the deepest, most secret part of Valve Software, deep underground. (Gaben): Alright. Team A, you go work on Half-Life 6. Team B, you go work on Team Fortress 3. Team C, you go use Electronic Gaben Number 69 to insult Microsoft again. Meanwhile, I’ll go check on the Swaggicon x2000 in the secret armory. BRB. Gaben goes down to the secret armory which has a bunch of drawers. Gaben goes to check on drawer number 420, but the Swaggicon x2000 isn’t there! (Gaben): Da fuck? Where is the Swaggicon x2000? Behind Gaben, in the shadows, is the mysterious cloaked figure who is actually Solo. (Solo): I have it right here. Gaben turns around. Solo steps out of the shadows. (Gaben): Who the fuck are you and why do you want my Swaggicon x2000? (Solo): Why I want it, you will soon discover. Actually, you’ll discover it, right now. Solo whips out the Swaggicon x2000 and sucks up Gaben’s swag. Gaben turns to dust. Meanwhile, a camera had been watching them the whole time, and the alarm rings. Solo quickly disappears by swag-a-porting away, just when a bunch of Valve soldiers come in. (Valve Soldier #1): Where is Gaben? (Valve Soldier #2): I don’t fucking know Jesus fucking Christ Michael you always ask questions nobody can answer. The intro happens. After the intro, Ben, Pan-Pizza, Baumann and Ferrick are drinking milkshakes at Milkybucks. (Ben): Hey, milkshakes aren’t that bad. They’re like smoothies, but not gross. (Baumann): Told you. (Ferrick): I fucking hate Milkybucks. The design of their logo sucks. It doesn’t even have an Eyetrix. Pan-Pizza was about to say something about the milkshakes, but Ben put his hand on Pan’s mouth. Ben gets close to Pan. (Ben): No. No no no. No Kyle Hebert here-y, Pan-Pizza no talk-y. Pan-Pizza starts to cry and leaves. (Ferrick): Well fuck. Now we need a new teammate, and we don’t have any cool people anymore. Vilgax shows up. (Vilgax): HEY GUUUUUUUYS! (Ben): Awww helllll naw! (Vilgax): Can I join your team guys? (Baumann): My swag meter detects low levels of swag in you. Leave, and take your un-swagginess with you. (Vilgax): Fuck you old man, I have lots of swag! I shop at Hot Topic like all the other swaggy guys! (Ben): Pfff, real swaggy people shop at Valve. (Vilgax): But Valve only makes games. (Ben): That’s what YOU think. (Vilgax): But guuuuuuuuys I’ve been stalking for you for 6 months I know all the swaggy stuff you guys like! (Ben): Oh yeah? How do we think about Johnny Test? (Vilgax): That it’s the best show ever! (Baumann): Get the fuck out. Ferrick draws a Hitler mustache on Vilgax. (Ferrick): Now you look like Hitler. Because that’s what you are. Hitler. Vilgax starts to cry. (Vilgax): I fucking hate you guys! YOU GUYS DON’T HAVE ANY SWAG! *runs off crying* (Ben): What a hypocrite. Suddenly, Ben gets a text. (Ben): It’s from Valve! (Baumann): Valve texts you? (Ben): I get secret Valve updates because Gaben and I are best friends. Ben checks the text. (Text): Alerting all Valve employees. Our grand leader Gaben has been murdered by some kind of mysterious figure. Gabe Newell was murdered by his swag being absorbed. Ben, after reading the text, drops his phone on the ground. He stands up from his chair. And slowly walks to the door, all while having a look of shock on his face. (Ferrick): What’s wrong, Ben? (Ben): I… I can’t talk right now. Ben leaves the Milkybucks, as he tries to attempt suicide by jumping in front of a car. He gets hit by the car, but he doesn’t die. Baumann and Ferrick run out to go check on Ben. (Baumann): Ben, are you hurt? (Ben): LEAVE ME… LET ME DIE! I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT GABEN! (Baumann): Waddya mean? (Ben): Gaben… Gaben… Gaben is dead. His swag… got absorbed… *cries* (Baumann): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO They all cry. Later, at Ben’s house, Ben is watching TV, looking sad and eating ice cream. Gwen appears. (Gwen): Ben, you gotta stop eating all that ice cream! (Ben): Bitch… you don’t understand… Gaben is dead… Life has no purpose… (Gwen): Oh please, Gaben’s not THAT important! Ben slowly turns around to look at Gwen. (Ben): Gwen. Get out. (Gwen): But Ben… (Ben): GWEN. OUT. Gwen leaves. Ben continues eating ice cream, until suddenly Mitch teleports in. (Mitch): BEN TENNYSON! (Ben): WOAH WHAT THE FUCK WHO ARE YOU (Mitch): Who I am matters not. Not now. For I must explain something to you. (Ben): …okay? Mitch sits down on the couch nexts to Ben. He also steals his ice cream and Ben looks angry about it. (Mitch): Ben Tennyson, I presume you are aware about the death of Gabe Newell? (Ben): Please don’t mention it. (Mitch): I’m afraid I must. For you see, Gaben was secretly the Lord of Swag. (Ben): The fuck is that supposed to mean? (Mitch): The Lord of Swag is the one who controls all swag, for he is the most swaggiest. If the Lord of Swag was to be eliminated, all swag would start to fade. (Ben): But Gaben is dead, so does that mean… (Mitch): No, even worse. For Gaben was not simply murdered, his swag was absorbed. By one of the universe’s most foulest beings. (Ben): By who? Aggregor? Vilgax? Vilgax comes in. (Vilgax): HEY! (Ben): Stop stalking me Vilgax. (Vilgax): Okay… Vilgax leaves. (Mitch): Anyway, Gaben’s swag was absorbed by the one we call, “Solo”. (Ben): Solo? He’s not a villain I know. And I know pretty much all villains. (Mitch): You may not know who he is, but you have encountered him before. For you see, Solo is the one who sent all the previous villains to fight you a second time. (Ben): Oh, you mean the black cloak guy from Arc 6? (Mitch): Exactly. (Ben): So this Solo guy absorbed Gaben’s swag, so now what? (Mitch): Because Solo has absorbed Gaben’s swag, Solo now has the most swag in the entire universe, and in therefore the Lord of Swag. (Ben): So what does this mean? (Mitch): I must you tell something you do not know. You see, the entire universe is made of swag. Whoever has the most swag, controls the universe. Now that Solo is the Lord of Swag, he is the master of the universe, but something is wrong. (Ben): What is? (Mitch): Solo is infected by a disease known as antiswagger. When a person with antiswagger, he or she is forever blocked from having any swag. Which is why he has never faced you, for he could not handle the swag of you or your teammates, and that is why he sent those villains after you. (Ben): But if he has no swag, how can he be the Lord of Swag? (Mitch): Exactly. Now that Solo is the Lord of Swag, the entire universe is in danger. Now that he has control over all the universe, his antiswagger will soon spread, and before you know it, people will become less swaggy, and ultimately, the entire universe will apart, leaving behind only the most unswaggiest people.’ (Ben): My god. Can we fix this? (Mitch): We have a chance. Solo has only recently become the Lord of Swag, and the process of the universe falling apart will take the time of a few Earth hours. Hopefully, we will have enough to gather all the Masters of Swag. (Ben): Who are the Masters of Swag? (Mitch): The Masters of Swag are those who work for Gaben, and help him keep the universe swaggy. I am on the of the many Masters of Swag. (Ben): Then it’s up to me to find all the Masters of Swag! (Mitch): Exactly. Take this list and this map. They will show you where they are. Mitch gives Ben a list of all the Masters of Swag, and a HUGE map of the entire multiverse. (Ben): This map is fucking huge as fuck, bro. (Mitch): Good luck! I must be off! (Ben): Wait! How did you know all of this? (Mitch): Because I’m swagggggyyyyyyy…. Mitch teleports away. (Ben): Well fuck. I’m never gonna find any of these! Ben threw the map on the floor. He looked at the list of the Masters of Swag. He saw Barack Obama’s name on it. He touched it. It glowed bright yellow, and suddenly the map levitated up from the floor, and it unfolded to show Barack Obama’s location. He was in the White House. (Ben): Oh THAT’s how I use it. Ben turns into Yoloswag and teleports into the White House. Barack Obama is watching OMC on his computer. (Barack Obama): LOL OMC = so funie. Suddenly Yoloswag appears. (Barack Obama): OMG MAI FAVRIT ALIREN!!!! (Ben): Yeah yeah calm down look I need you to help me defeat Solo and save swag and shit. (Barack Obama): lol k Barack teleports Ben and him to the next Master of Swag. They teleport to Dimension 69, where Neggeh is. Dimension 69 is basically the Null Void but instead of rocks it’s filled with giant dildos and instead of those flying octopuses it has parrots. (Ben): Where the fuck are we? (Barack Obama): lol wer in dimesnin 69 (Ben): Oh. I guess we have to find the Master of Swag of this place. Hey Barack do me a favor and teleport Baumann and Ferrick here. Oh, and Pan-Pizza. But remove his mouth though. Barack Obama uses his swag powers to teleport Baumann and Ferrick and Pan-Pizza there. When they appear, Pan-Pizza quickly notices he has no mouth, and he starts to cry again. (Baumann): Ben? Where the fuck are we? (Ben): Long story. Basically we have to find a bunch of swaggy people to save Gaben and the universe and stuff. ‘ (Ferrick): I know just where to look. Ferrick takes Ben and the rest to the Swaggatronix dance club. Don’t forget to include Formspring user cameos. Especially Ancy because he’s super doper pooper cool. (Ben): Ferrick, there are no swaggy people here. The swaggiest person here is that pikl over there. Ben points to the Dancing Pikl, who’s dancing to What is Love. (Ferrick): That’s what you think. The Master of Swag is in the VIP room. They go to the VIP room, where Neggeh is smoking weed and getting a lap dance from Kai. (Ben): Kai!? The fuck are you doing here? (Kai): A girl needs to make money somehow. Hey, want a lapdance? Ben turns into Swampfire and sets Kai on fire. (Kai): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH Kai burns and dies. (Ferrick): Neggeh, we need your help. (Neggeh): Ferrick? I haven’t seen you since that poker game! I still have your wife and your kids and your house and your lucky bathrobe. (Ferrick): Fahk of. We’re just here to save the universe. (Ben): Neggeh! We’re here to gather all the Masters of Swag and save the universe! (Neggeh): k. Hey guys, we can all unite our swag powers and use a Swag-a-port to find all the Masters of Swag in a montage. (Ben): Let’s do it! Neggeh and Ferrick and Baumann and Obama hold hands. They use their swag powers to start a montage. One Direction music plays while the montage shows Ben and his pals gathering all the Masters of Swag, including FaggotAssCockMan, Steve Blum, Mr. Rogers, Francis, Cole Phelps, and finally IWSYA. After the montage, they all go to Ben’s school, where all the swaggy sit down on benches. Ben comes out with a microphone. (Ben): LORDS OF SWAG, WE HAVE SOMETHING TO DO, THAT IS MUCH BIGGER, BADDER THEN WE HAVE EVER ENCOUNTERED. WHAT WE HAVE ON OUR HANDS, IS A THREAT, THAT ENDANGERS THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE. IT ENDANGERS, SWAG ITSELF. IT IS UP TO US, TO SAVE THE ENTIRE UNIVE- Ben’s speech is interrupted by a bright, red flash. Everybody runs outside, and they see that the sky is falling apart! Pieces of the sky break off, falling into the city and killing people and stuff. Another bright red flash happens, and suddenly Ben notices that all the Masters of Swag are starting to turn grey! (Ben): My oh my, what is happening? It seems that the universe is already falling apart! …Wait a minute I sound different. I sound… less swaggy. And then Rook appears out of nowhere. (Rook): Hey Bendude, look! I’m wearing two different colors of socks! Extreme, huh? (Ben): That is pretty cool! ….OH GOD IT’S HAPPENING SWAG IS FALLING APART (Baumann): If we don’t defeat Solo soon, the universe will stop existing! (Ben): But the universe is where I keep all my stuff! (Ferrick): Then there’s no time to waste. (Baumann): We have to assemble the Swagship, bro! (Ben): …Did you just say bro? (Baumann): Pikl. (Ben): …but (Baumann): PIKL. (Ben): That’s not (Baumann): PIKL! The Masters of Swag fire swagbeams into the sky, and the swagbeams cross. The swagbeams turn into the Swagship, and everybody gets into it. Just when it is about to take off, Vilgax jumps onto the roof, and sneaks into the Swagship. The Swagship flies out to the Forge of Creation. Inside the Swagship, Ben is looking out of a window, and notices that all the Celestialsapiens are gone. (Ben): Wait, where are all the Alien Xs? (Baumann): THERE HE IS! Baumann points to Solo, who is eating the Celestialsapien baby. (Solo): *nom nom swallow* Hm, tastes like multiple personal disorder and dark matter. The Swagship disappears and the Masters of Swag and the others float over to Solo. (Solo): Oh, you’re here! Good. (Ben): Solo! We’re here to stop you from destroying the universe with your antiswagger and to bring back Gab- wait what the fuck is Vilgax doing here. (Vilgax): I wanted to come along! You guys never bring me along. (Ben): GOD DAMMIT VILGAX YOU DON’T HAVE ANY SWAG (Vilgax): Fahk of. Solo fires a swagbeam at Ben. (Ben): Ow you fucking asshole that hurts! (Solo): That was but a fraction of my new amazing swag powers! (Ben): You don’t get it! Your antiswagger will destroy the universe! (Solo): My antiswagger may be chipping away at my swag powers as we speak, but I assure you, I will spend the last of my time DESTROYING YOU! Solo turns into his final Swagsolo form, which is basically a giant octopus. (Vilgax): I guess this is pretty swaggy hentai! LOL Nobody laughs at him. (Ben): Hey Vilgax, maybe you two can have squid sex! LOL Everybody laughs. (Vilgax): …fuck you guys. Solo fires a swagbeam at Vilgax. Vilgax dies. (Vilgax): *cough* Tell… *cough* Tell Psyphon… *cough* is your refrigerator still running? LOL *dies* (Ben): Hmmkay. Swagsolo spawns all the villains. (Swagsolo): VILLAINS, ATTACK! (Ben): Masters of Swag, ATTACK! The Masters of Swag and the villains start to fight. Baumann fights Jimbles by throwing supermarket stuff at him, but Jimbles blows Baumann with a bum blast. Neggeh and Barack Obama fight Dolan. Dolan fires eye beams at them, but Neggeh makes a swag shield and Barack defeats Dolan by stabbing him In they eye with the American flag. Cole Phelps fights Malware. Phelps takes out his notebook. (Phelps): Do you mind if ask you a couple of questions, Malware? (Malware): Sure. Phelps looks at the questions on his notebook. He selects the first question, “Relationship with Victim”. (Phelps): How well did you know Mr. Summers, Malware? (Malware): I don’t know who you’re talking about. Malware rubs his neck uncomfortably. The three options Truth, Doubt and Lie pop up in the upper left corner. Cole selects Lie. (Phelps): If you’re gonna give me that bullshit then I’m fucking done with you. We know that you knew Mr. Summers before his death! (Malware): I don’t know who you are talking about! What proof do you have that I knew him? Cole looks at the pieces of evidence he has on his notebook. The pieces of evidence are: “Pikl at the scene of crime” “A child’s tear” “Ancy’s statement” “Empty Jack Daniels bottle” “Bloody note” “Barack Obama painting” “Picture of Malware and Mr. Summers” “Wrench” “Autopsy results” Cole selects the picture of Malware and Mr. Summers. (Phelps): Bullshit. We have a picture of you and Mr. Summers. Why are you lying to me? (Malware): …Because I knew that if I would be honest with you, you would put me in jail for some bullshit reason! (Phelps): I assure you, lying to me instead of being honest has only increased that chances of that happening. Phelps selects the next question, “Motif for Murder”. (Phelps): Why did you kill Mr. Summers, Malware? (Malware): I didn’t kill him! The three options pop up again. Cole selects “Lie” again. (Phelps): If you keep fucking bullshitting me- (Malware): I didn’t fucking kill him! You have no proof! The pieces of evidence pop up again. Phelps selects “Autopsy results”. (Phelps): We found traces of red and black mechanical goo within Mr. Summers’ anus. Not only did you kill him, you raped him. You sick fuck. (Malware): …HE FUCKING STOLE MY POPCORN WITHOUT ASKING ME! HE DIDN’T FUCKING ASK! Phelps selects the next question on his notebook, “Stolen popcorn”. (Phelps): What do you mean by “stole your popcorn”? (Malware): It was movie night… I invited all the guys to come watch The Room with me… I made popcorn. He just took it… all my popcorn… The three options pop up again. Phelps selects “Truth”. The options “Charge Suspect” and “Leave Interrogation” pop up. Phelps selects “Charge Suspect”. (Phelps): Malware, I’m charging you with the murder of Adrian Summers. (Malware): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Malware blows up and dies. Anyways, FaggotAssCockMan fights Weegee by throwing Little Boy at him. Weegee blows up. Neggeh fights Khyber. Neggeh uses his parrot powers to turn Khyber into a parrot. Then Khyber uses his parrot powers to rip out Neggeh’s heart. Finally, Ben fights Swagsolo. Ben uses ALL THE ALIENS EVER to try and defeat Swagsolo, but nothing works. Ben turns back into Ben, and Swagsolo slaps him with a tentacle. Ben starts to bleed. Suddenly, Mitch appears. (Mitch): Tennyson! Don’t give up yet! (Ben): But Solo has too much swag for me to handle! (Mitch): You can still defeat him. Take this Pikltrix. Use it to go into his mind, and rescue Gaben. Only Gaben can save us now. Mitch gives Ben the Pikltrix, and he puts it on. He throws the Omnitrix away, and Psychobos takes it. (Psychobos): YEY FINALLY Ben then Psychobos gets eaten by Francis. (Francis): Woof woof. Anyways, Ben uses the Pikltrix and travels into Solo’s mind. Solo’s mind is a desert filled with giant tacos. When Ben arrives in Solo’s mind, Ben is quickly attacked by TOM 5. (TOM): You shouldn’t have come here, Ben. Gaben is ours now. (Ben): TOM 5? Huh. I guess I can practice with the Pikltrix now. Ben turns into Lil Cannon. He fires a fireball at TOM, but TOM blocks it with Krillin. Krillin Owned Count: 69.420. Ben turns into Dinosword and slaps TOM with a sword. TOM fires an anime beam at Dinosword, and Dinosword turns back into Ben from all the pain. (Ben): Ow ow anime hurts. Wait a minute, I know how to defeat you! Ben walks off screen and comes back with the 7 Dragon Balls. (TOM): Oh fuck. (Ben): Shenron get the fuck over here. Shenron appears. (Shenron): What the fuck do you want bro it’s 4 AM in the morning. (Ben): Beat this bitch up. (Shenron): k Shenron eats TOM. (Shenron): I’m going back to bed. Shenron flies off. (Ben): Now to find Gaben! Ben turns into Armodrillo and digs deep into Solo’s mind. Eventually he digs into Gaben’s cell. Gaben is protected by Richard. (Richard): Stop right there Ben Solo wants me to protect Gaben from you! (Ben): Richard what the fuck are you doing here. (Richard): Because I want swag to die because it sucks bawlz! (Ben): For fuck’s sake we just found out that the whole universe is made of swag and the universe is going to fall apart and you still want swag to die? (Richard): Swag isn’t a number LOL! (Ben): Fuck you. Ben turns into Ripjaws. (Richard): OH MY GAWD IT’S RIPJAWZ MAI FAVRIT ALIEN!!! Richard gets stabbed in the neck by his own boner. (Ben): Well that was easy. Ben turns back and walks over to Gaben. (Ben): Gaben I’m here to save! (Gaben): Ben, we must get out of here quickly, before my swag becomes one with Solo! Ben uses the Pikltrix to get them out of there. Back in the real world, Swagsolo is eating pikls, until Ben and Gaben appear in front of him. (Gaben): Solo! (Swagsolo): Gaben? YOU’RE FREE!? NOOOOOOOOOOOO Swagsolo turns back into normal Solo. (Gaben): This is for swag! Gaben fires an ultimate swagbeam at Solo. Solo dies in an explosion. A shockwave comes out from the explosion. All the villains die, and all the dead Masters of Swag come back to life. Even Vilgax comes back to life. (Vilgax): What the? What happened? (Ben): All the people with swag came back to life! (Vilgax): But if I came back to life… does that mean… (Ben): I guess you had swag all along, Vilgax. (Vilgax): …*sniff* *sniff* Thanks, Ben. They hug. Later, at the Milkybucks, Ben and his team and the MoS are drinking milkshakes. (Ben): Thanks for helping me save the universe, guys! (Gaben): Now that swag has been returned to the universe, we can all live in peace. (Vilgax): And it turns out that I did have swag all along! (Ben): And I have a new trix! (Baumann): All’s well that ends well, bro. (Ben): …You did it again. (Baumann): Pikl. (Ben): Fucking (Baumann): PIKL. The credits roll, while the Dancing Pikl sings “ I Always Kill The Things I Love” in a jazz club, while people are watching. The people watching include: Macbeth Jimbles Notronbo Ben Vilgax (at the same table as Ben) Pan-Pizza with a crayon mouth crying Baumann Ferrick (At the same table as Baumann) Rook Barron OMC Eric Bauza Steve Blum (at the same table as Eric Bauza) Dr. Phil In a post-credit scene, Ben is having sex with Gwen again. Ancy watches while filming it. THE END Category:Scripts